Have you ever read about a game and thought to yourself “who in their right mind thought this would be a great idea?!” While your average gamer may scoff at an atrocious game idea, it seems that game companies are making these dumb decisions every day. We’ve seen it in the past with games based off bad Sylvester Stallone movies like Driven, or games just plain based off lame comic book characters like Aqua Man. Still, the folks in their ivory towers and glass houses feel these ideas will actually gain some sort of profit. So with E3 2007 now in the books and most of the holiday releases already announced, let’s take a look at three games that are just plain stupid and ill conceived that are due out on the shelves of your local Game Stop and Wal-Mart for full price in the very near future.

Dirty Dancing (PC)

Brought to you by the villainy of Codemasters and Say Design

Release date: Holiday 2007

What they say: “As casual gaming continues to explode in popularity, it is becoming more necessary than ever to provide compelling, multi-faceted titles that people can relate to in order to break away from the clutter,” said Anne Parducci, EVP Marketing, Lionsgate. “Dirty Dancing delivers compelling subject matter that has all the tools to become an instant hit online. The movie appeals to audiences of all ages and continues to win over new fans through increased exposure from the highly successful DVDs and multiple airings on cable. For two decades, girls and women have identified with Baby, and through this wonderful game from Codemasters, they will have the opportunity to immerse themselves in her world like never before.”

What I say: While The Warriors was a pretty damn good game, curse Rockstar for showing that it’s hip to resurrect an old and busted movie franchise and bring it back in video game medium. From initial impressions, Dirty Dancing is an action/puzzle game where you’ll play as Baby as she works at the mountain resort and…um…dances dirty. While it’s not mentioned in the game’s initial fact sheet, there are bound to be rhythm game inspired dance sequences making up the puzzle portion of the game’s genre classification. For twenty years now, Dirty Dancing has taught masses of popcorn munching overweight women and pasty bookworms that they too can find love in the damndest of situations. This game would only give them peace of mind, that is, if these chicks played games at all. Instead, they’re all staying in on Friday nights reading Chronicles of Narnia or having slumber parties talking about all the boys they wish they could date. So what’s next? Might I suggest The Notebook: The game?

 

Napoleon Dynamite (DS, PSP)

Brought to you by the nefarious characters at Crave Entertainment

Release Date: TBD

What they say: “Crave’s upcoming release will feature favorite Napoleon Dynamite characters including Kip, Uncle Rico, Pedro, Tina the llama, and of course, Napoleon himself. “Napoleon Dynamite is one of the great cult classics of the past decade,” said Mark Burke, senior vice president of product planning and business development at Crave Entertainment. “It’s one of those films that has great memorable lines and characters, and we expect that fans of the movie will really like the game.”

What I say: In other words, Crave has no idea how to make a game off a movie that barely even qualified as a movie. What they couldn’t make with the movie’s barely cohesive plot, they made in a number of mini games based off of pivotal scenes in the movie such as the infamous ‘dancing like a dork’ scene, feeding a spitting llama, and completing circuits in master acts of hax0ry. On the plus side, you’ll at least get to play as Uncle Rico while he throws a football to himself. Still, if you find socially inept and stupid looking people looking blankly into a camera funny, chances are this game will most likely entertain you too.

Paris Hilton’s Diamond Quest (Mobile)

Brought to you by the zaniness that is Gameloft

Release Date: TBD

What they say: “Attempt to complete the 64 levels of Paris Hilton’s Diamond Quest. In each city, you’ll be guided by Paris, who will make regular appearances, and you’ll discover five game modes with different objectives. In Reveal Letters, eliminate the gems in order to find the letters in the word “Paris.” If, like Paris, you believe that Time is Money, launch into the mode of the same name and try to reach the minimum score in the given time. In Flip Mania mode, you’ll have to move very quickly to eliminate a jewel in each box of the grid. In the Puzzle mode, simply remove all of the jewels on the screen. It seems simple at first glance…except that there is only one single possible combination of moves, and you’ll have to figure it out! Finally in Gem Collector, try to clear a given number of gemstones of a certain type. Along the way on your excursion around the world, Paris will properly reward you. You’ll have access to lots of bonus levels each with a different gameplay, items from Paris’s wardrobe and some of her most beautiful modeling shots. Each photo will show you Paris in her most fashionable outfits, and you’ll even have access to a never-before-seen photo…one of her famous canine companion, Tinkerbell, who, as usual, won’t leave her side!

What I Say: While Paris showing up an hour and a half late to a two-hour autograph signing in support of the game at E3 2006 should speak loads about the game, we should break down the features of the game here… 

The first official mobile game from Paris Hilton, showing the star’s glamorous side and elegance.
They say first as if there’s more to come, which in itself is a horrible omen. After all, how many ways can that crooked-eyed swine glamorously suck cock and elegantly ride pole?

Many photos of Paris parading her jewels and hip outfits, plus a photo of a special guest…her famous companion, Tinkerbell the dog!
As if you can’t get enough of her on Access Hollywood, now you can look at more photos of a drooling, furry animal and her dog on your cell phone. Look girls, that dog’s collar is worth more than you’ll make in your entire life.

Rich and classy graphics, dynamic and detailed animation.
Really, this game isn’t just a crappy, shameless cash-in, just as this bullet point isn’t just filler.

A remarkable gaming experience: an entertaining and exciting storyline, lots of bonuses, amusing and assorted additional game modes.
The words “exciting”, “entertaining”, and “remarkable” should never, I repeat, NEVER be used to describe anything involving Paris Hilton. Amusing on the other hand, is more than acceptable.

An intuitive gameplay just right for everyone: a detailed tutorial, increasing difficulty, and [Paris’s] assistance during the game.
Unfortunately, Paris is no good to you after level 1 since the woman couldn’t solve her way out of a placemat maze on a Denny’s kids menu.

So in other words, this game is more self-serving than 50 Cent: Bulletproof and enshrines Paris as some sort of…celebrity. Either way, nobody is less deserving of a game than her. There hasn’t been an attempt at a game more half-assed than this. Really, how much of a storyline can this game have? Just how smart can it be? How much did she actually contribute? What would Gameloft actually have to gain from this? It just epitomizes “bad idea”.

So there you have it, three games that I feel, and you more than likely, know will fail. Only time will tell what the critics will say to these, but really, the concepts speak for themselves. After all, nobody really says “well it didn’t sound good on paper..

- Brad Hicks (Dr. Swank)