Jail must suck (insert obligatory blowjob joke here). Suck hard. I can’t even begin to comprehend what jail would be like - Prison Break or Oz? Maybe I’ll meet a hot doctor and break out to find $5 million buried in Utah. Or get raped while my only friend in prison is stabbed to death.

Seriously though, jail would be hard. Having to move in with 80 other guys, all of them with pent-up sexual frustrations, sharing a 5 by 5 cell with a Mexican serial killer, going to the toilet in a bucket – no thanks. But my view has always been that if you do the crime, you do the time.

Which is what makes this so funny.

In 2005 (man, that seems like ages ago, doesn’t it?) Jason Jones was working at ACME, his video game store in Los Angeles that provides celebrities with video game equipment. Reportedly, Snoop Dogg and David Arquette are just some of ACME’s valued customers. It’s not enough that celebrities get waited on hand and foot; now they’ve got a video game store just for them. Puh-leease.

Anyway, in 2005 Jason was arrested. He wasn’t caught smoking weed with Snoop, he was suspected of “modding” Xbox’s that could play pirated games. Well, that’s the mindset the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency went in with when they invaded his store, carrying shotguns and wearing body armour. Yeah. Because, you know, he might throw an Xbox at them in an attempt to escape. And those things would fucking hurt.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement obviously wanted to make an example out of this Hitler-esque villain, so they charged him with crimes under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act. Jason was up against 5 years in prison, next to a $250,000 fine. Naturally, he pleaded guilty, receiving six months house arrest, on probation. This is May 2006.

Jason is then caught smoking weed (guess I wasn’t that far off). His six-month probation is denied, so he now has to face 90 days in a “halfway-house,” used by federal cons about to be transported back to a residential life. Flash forward to February 2007, and he’s coming up on his third month. As expected a story like this catches the attention of well, basically anyone with a sense of humour, so LAist conducted an interview with the criminal, extracts of which can be found below.

Q: How did the other cons respond to you? I mean, your crime is pretty lightweight.
A: They all thought it was a joke. I’m the square. I like to think I’m a badass, but I’m not. You’ve got guys in here for heinous shit. Hate crimes, murder, kidnapping. I got shit from them when I first got here. Guys were like “What gang are you with?” and stuff like that. I was like, dude, I’m a guy who rides a skateboard.

Q: You don’t fear for your safety?
It’s pretty tense in here. Especially on the yard. It’s predominantly black now. I did get into it with one of my cellies last night. He got pissed because I sleep naked and I said, “Its not my fault it gives you a boner.” He jumped up in my face, but I backed down.

Q: Where are you working?
I’m running an antique store on La Brea until I get out, then I’ll go back to video games. I can’t be involved in video games because that’s my crime. Everyone in the house is allowed a television and a Playstation except me! They consider that a part of my crime, like I’m gonna be in a halfway house modding Playstations.

Q: Have you learned any major lessons being in here?
No, not really. I learned how one can rob a bank. I also learned not to fuck with homeland security.

Indeed. Because they take their cases of pirated games very seriously. They will fuck you up.

- Aaron Kleemann