Knives. Useful tools, would you agree? They can prepare a meal, create a carpenter’s masterpiece, save someone life, or in this case, stab your best mate in the back in the middle of the night because you got your ass handed to you in Playstation.

Last week, in Alabama, America, James Wilson, 34, and Lance Borchert, 34, were playing “Playstation football” around 1am when, after winning, Lance decided to go to bed with his wife, probably to ‘celebrate’ as all football stars do when they win - except Beckham, because it would be a bit hard to shag a stick.

Wilson then entered his room and stabbed Lance with a 10-12 inch knife in his back, puncturing his lung in the process. Feel free to laugh now. Wilson ran off and hid in the woods nearby – what a bitch. If you’re going to kill someone, do it right.

Wilson was later apprehended and taken into court. No doubt Jack ‘I’m a total retard’ Thompson will somehow use this to his advantage. When all we have here is some idiot with a severe mental problem. And an inability to take a free kick.

Alabama, America, 2am.
”Gee, seems I kicked your sorry ass all over the stadium James!”
“..shut up.”
“What was that? Sorry I couldn’t hear you the over the roar of the crowd chanting my name.”
“EAT KNIFE FOOL!!”

- Aaron Kleemann.