Before I got my PHD in bad games, swankdom, and how to make a bad ass tater tot casserole, I was a young lad with a Vectrex and a NES. When I was growing up, I always wished that gaming, the hobby I loved and lived, would someday be taken seriously. Now here I am some twenty years later and I’d like to officially retract my childhood wish. After years of piss-poor video game award shows, namely the Spike VGA’s and G-Phoria as the most vile offenders, I’ve finally given up on any hope of any kind of legit and entertaining event showcasing the best of gaming. After seeing Spike’s nominees for this year’s awards, I can’t help but feel embarrassed for the presenters, the numerous B-List celebs, and the developers most of all who ultimately end up playing second fiddle to the likes of William Shatner. So before I start going off on an anger-fueled harangue, let’s look a little more in-depth as to why video game award shows just plain suck.

 The Nominees Are…..WTF?!

No matter what the award is, whether it’s music, movies, or whatever, there’s always bound to be some sort of controversy with the nominations. While the Oscars and Grammys have the bitter, decrepit old mummies to blame for their lame nominations – it’s safe to assume there’s some sort of method to their arcane madness and they might know a thing or two about the subject matter they’re nominating. Whoever deems games worthy of nomination for video game award shows either doesn’t know games or is most likely getting a little something under the table from sponsors – and I’m sure it’s more than money if you catch my drift.

Case in point, let’s take a look at the Spike VGAs. This year saw games such as Assassin’s Creed, Rock Band, and even Mass Effect get nominated before they were even released, to which the latter is up for game of the year. Nor can you overlook the glaring oversight of 2005’s shooter of the year award, which went to Halo – a PC port of a game from 2001, or this year’s nomination of Wii Sports – a game that was brought into the world over a year ago. Let’s not look past the fact that two out of the three nominees for game of the year are from Microsoft Game Studios and a third was an Xbox 360 exclusive.

Spike TV in partnership with PepsiCo wants your money.

If unreleased games don’t show you how willing the corporations that are supposedly giving us “award shows for gamers by gamers” are to selling out, look no further than the product placement so shameless, it makes EA blush. This year both G-Phoria and the Spike VGAs featured special categories such as the “Best Stride [gum] Longest Lasting Game” or this year’s “Most Addictive Game Fueled by Dew” to which Spike has Halo 3, Wii Sports, Rock Band, and the Orange Box have been nominated. I’ve got a 24-pack of Game Fuel for anyone who’s betting that Halo 3 takes the award. We’ll find out December 9th, won’t we?

This isn’t the first time that the Spike VGAs have received criticism for being bought out. In 2005, gamers everywhere cried foul at the nominations of Peter Jackson’s King Kong and 50 Cent: Bulletproof well before their respective release dates, and the latter receiving a game of the year nomination despite getting panned by critics everywhere and so many other games deserving that spot.

Of course, there’s still plenty to say about the cluelessness of these supposed gamers that are nominating these games that they deem to be the best of the best. After all, any gamer wouldn’t mistake a popular PSP game for a Nintendo DS game that hasn’t even been released in the US yet would they? Thank you very much,  GameTrailers. Let’s not forget the large omission of any Wii-specific games that aren’t Super Mario Galaxy or the well-aged Wii sports. To this I ask where’s Metroid Prime 3 which garnered its fair share of hype or even WarioWare: Smooth Moves, which was in itself a unique and entertaining game.

It’s just obvious that the people backing these supposed award shows are nothing but money-grubbing prostitutes of advertising and marketing willing to suck off or toss anyone’s salad as long as they get a buck out of it. Don’t be fooled by the pseudo trendy, hip, and “stick it to the man” exterior these shows attempt to emulate – behind the scenes these supposed trendsetters are on all fours presenting themselves to the next wave of advertisers lining up to taint next year’s award show.

 Here to promote his new TekWar book…William Shatner!

….Also, some guy who made Halo won an award.

While Spike’s VGAs amount to nothing more than an exhibition of just how out of touch the mainstream is when it comes to video games, it’s not the only thing wrong with video game award shows, not even by a long shot. The real cancer to these shows are the numerous B-D list celebrities that come out in force to get another fifteen minutes of face time on the TV. Nothing sickens me more when you get a bunch of supposed gaming journalists gushing over Wilbur Valderama or William Shatner for ten minutes, then thirty seconds before they cut to commercial, you see the dev team for Halo 2 receiving an award.

This man will even advertise during Pro ‘Rasslin!

Up until recent years, G4 was the main offender of “almost famous” or “famous for nothing” celeb abuse. After all, they used to air a show entitled “Players” where celebrities would talk about what big gamers they were, but when it came to a multiplayer game of Halo, they were effin’ clueless. At G-Phoria 2005, one G4 correspondent even made mention that the main reason why she was there was “for the celebrities”. The 2005 G-Phoria was wrought with musical performances, Anna Nicole Smith bumbling through reasons why they play games, and the most up-to-date news of what Winnie from The Wonder Years is up to nowadays. Somewhere between the lame music from the Killers, lame skits performed by G4 personalities looking to pad their resumes to get real TV jobs, and G4 correspondents acting like fourteen year-olds at an N’Sync show in the presence of anyone who had a background cameo in an Ugly Betty episode, there was about ten minutes of award show to be seen. Good on them, especially after tons of criticism they decided to tone down this year’s G-Phoria to just lame skits from Adam Sessler and Morgan Webb. That, my friends, is progress.

Good on you, G4. You still suck.

Sure, there’s nothing wrong with celebrities who obviously have no interest in being there and give us their most awkward performances. After all, award shows are notoriously boring. It’s another thing when these celebs, much like the fluff you’ll see parading around on Spike TV or G4, try to make you believe they’re gamers. For instance, Samuel L. Jackson will go on and on about how he loves playing his “PSPTwo” and that his favorite game is “Grand Theft Auto 2” referring to GTA: San Andreas on more than one lone occasion. Even worse, the brain trust at Spike even labeled the game incorrectly when it was up for its game of the year nomination by labeling it “Grand Theft Auto 3: San Andreas”.

Now I can go on and on about how Mario Galaxy lost out its game of the year nom to a collection of Valve games, question why Halo 3 is nominated for breakthrough technology on something Burnout Revenge did before it, or the fact that the best soundtrack category features only one game with an original, non-licensed soundtrack, but it’s worthless. It’s no wonder why nobody takes gaming as a serious hobby or art form, when we have cock sucking whores running these shows and reinforcing the typical “extreme gamer who loves juvenile toilet humor” stereotype all over the mainstream. Sure, I love a good fart joke as much as anyone – hell, my entire Thanksgiving holiday was me talking about how I shouldn’t eat too much because the fat burners I take cause me to piss bright orange cooking oil from my ass, but let’s face it, these shows are just embarrassing to us, the hobby, and a mockery to everyone who makes these games. Whether you make BMX XXX or Halo 3, you’ll always play second fiddle to every god forsaken K-Fed, Mo Rocca, Hal Sparks, or any other stupid celeb that has nothing better to do and looks just as uninterested in being there as you are to see them. Right now, these shows are only good for trying to pile on washed up celebs to get people to watch, and giving out their “prestigious” awards to the highest bidder. Maybe one day someone will get it right, but I’m not holding my breath.

- Dr. Swank

So as you may or may not know the Penny Arcade Expo (or PAX if you’re leet) was weekend before last, and honestly, I’m still trying to recover from it. Coming from a person who has attended a couple of E3’s in his life, I can honestly say PAX is the greatest gaming convention ever conceived so far. This was the third year of the expo and while it may have well been called the “Nvidia Find-Me Fest and marketing distraction expo”, this year was leaps and bounds better than last year’s overly crowded, yet overly disappointing event.

The first major improvement was the event being staged at the Seattle convention center, which is about ten-times bigger than the Maydenbauer center the event was at the previous two years. Of course, this means there was tons more room for everyone to geek out and instead of piling on top of each other in some sort of mass orgy of geekdom. While some hardcore followers of the expo may call foul at the apparent lack of intimacy this year had; I, for one, thought it made for a much better experience. Not only did it help to spread the crowd, but also it was a major improvement if you just wanted some room to relax. For instance, there were three – count ‘em – three handheld lounges where people can just chill on bean bags and draw wangs in Pictochat to their heart’s content.

        

The second major improvement was this year’s exhibition hall. While last year was nothing more than some 360’s running Geometry Wars and a Castle Crashers booth, the exhibition hall this year unleashed an unrelenting torrent of memories of what E3 used to be – only we were amongst gamers, as opposed to a bunch of stuck up press people. Still, with the gamers came the usual convention ilk consisting of your usual assortment of the expected neck beards that haven’t bathed for days and cosplayers with varying degrees of coolness. You definitely weren’t pimpin’ it if you didn’t have a DS or some article of clothing advertising your level fifty WOW character with an epic mount…whatever that is.

Back to the exhibition hall, this year saw more unreleased or soon-to-be-released games on display and provided you weren’t distracted by the marketing scavenger hunts of Sony and Nvidia, there was more to do than three full days allowed. All of the major players, aside from Konami and Capcom, were out in force. This year also saw the return of a nearly extinct creature in the booth babe – or in the case of the Haze booth, that guy who hosted the Arena show on G4 who isn’t near as dreamy as Kevin Perera. I’m going to hell for that statement. There were also tons of developers on hand to get your reactions to the demos being displayed. I think I talked to one of the guys working on Geometry Wars Galaxies for a good thirty minutes while I acted like a fourteen year-old girl who was meeting Justin Timberlake for the first time. Yeah, I’ll admit it. My most memorable experience was playing the Dark Sector demo and badmouthing it the entire time to the guy next to me. Little did I know I was being watched as when I finished, a very humble developer approached me and asked what I really thought. All I could tell him is that the blade was fun and that I didn’t know what to think of it at first – I know for damn sure he heard my Gears of War rip-off tirade.

As previously mentioned, both Sony and Nvidia were hosting near impossible scavenger hunts to keep you from actually enjoying the show. Those who were foolish enough to fall for it ended up spending hours, or in some cases, days climbing rock walls trying to find symbols for the Uncharted scavenger hunt. The shrewd minds at Nvidia sponsored a game where attendees would wear pins with numbers to try to find that one in sixty-thousand people that matched their number. The end result turned out to be a bunch of gamers donning cardboard signs, cut up bags, or carrying signs with their numbers trying oh so desperately to find their match. What it really looked like were a bunch of homeless people standing on a freeway on ramp claiming to be out-of-luck Vietnam vets looking for a handout. Just like mud-covered hippies were the theme of Woodstock ’94, smelly bums donning “Getting booty since 1780” shirts with cut up bags around their necks epitomized PAX ’07.

           

The best bits of PAX occurred after the exhibition hall closed. Friday and Saturday nights featured concerts with game music gods Freezepop, nerdcore artists like Optimus Rhyme, and game music cover bands like the One-Ups and the Minibosses. While at first I was a little bummed about having to decide whether to see Freezepop or to catch a showing of either Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children or my favorite childhood movie, The Wizard, it was totally apparent the concerts were the place to be. The One-Ups on Friday night were easily the best act  and while disappointing at first, Freezepop got over their apparent stage fright and ended up putting on a really decent show playing all of their songs from the Harmonix games and more. While it was a rush to be among fellow gamers, I quite bummed when I attempted to start a mosh pit during Freezepop’s “Less Talk More Rock” and ended up almost getting into a fight with some four-eyed nerd who thought I was out to kill him. Food for thought – crowds that listen to live bands while chatting in Pictochat have no interest in moving to music whatsoever. Saturday night also saw the ArenaNet party at Gameworks across the street from the convention center, which was almost surreal as every TV in the bar was streaming Guild Wars videos and getting the chance to talk to a bunch of wasted development guys was just plain awesome.

While there were video games galore at the show, the most interesting aspects came in the panels that were taking place. I got the chance to check out the live Assassin’s Creed demo, the Penny Arcade Q&A where they made a comic from start to finish live onstage while answering questions, and the culture of Japanese gaming panel. If video games aren’t your thing, there were also a buttload of tabletop gaming companies at the show including Wizards of the Coast and a few companies demoing unreleased Starcraft and Star Wars boards games. This year also attempted to break a world record by featuring the world’s largest LARP in which forum goer Eli Swank took part in. Fortunately for those involved, as well as everyone else, the LARP pretty much fizzled out by mid-Saturday and we no longer had to deal with overweight guys in suits wanting to play rock-paper-scissors every five minutes. Everyone eventually came to the horrid conclusion that LARPing is in fact lame and should never be attempted en masse again.

We did, however, get addicted to a card combat game by the name of Dev Kit, which is developed by local import store Pink Godzilla. You essentially play as a game developer and attempt to play character, title, and gear cards to make a game while your opponents attempt to put the most games to market first. Props to Zapster X for showing us the benevolence that is Dev Kit. It’s really just a kickass game and surely passes the time if you’ve got a bunch of gaming buddies willing to play. Dev Kit wasn’t the only example of gaming hawtness at the Pink Godzilla booth, though. The New Gen top-loading NES was a pretty big seller. Imagine an NES machine that’s about a quarter of the size with wireless controllers. On top of that, it would also play the original Famicom games too – provided you can find some. Oh hell, just look at the pic to get a good idea. Unfortunately, the only thing keeping me from getting one of these was the fact that the machines couldn’t play Castlevania III.

So now that I look at it this article almost has a negative tone to it, which really couldn’t be further from the truth. The privilege to be amongst fellow gamers and getting three days to totally geek out without being looked at funny was an amazing experience. Even now, my thoughts are still filled with loud booths with plushy Parappas and people struggling to sing along to pop songs in Singstar just adjacent to wannabe rockers in the Rock Band booth. Just getting to sit down to play some dev kit and inviting any passersby to join in on a game or renting a SNES in the retro console room to pass some time before seeing the Minibosses break out in a kick ass Castlevania medley is something I’ll never forget. Let’s not forget the last round of the Omegathon to see the final two gamers duke it out in never before seen Halo 3 levels using weapons we’ve never seen before – it was just an amazing experience. The guys who put the show together have made something truly magical and have managed to make something that gamers all over the world will want to be a part of – more than any E3, Blizzcon, Quakecon, or any other “con” out there. There really aren’t enough words or pictures to describe the zen-like chaos the expo provides. PAX, whether you’re a fan of the comic or not, is an experience that any gamer will never forget.

Best perk: Free Bawls every day, the default shwag bag.

Best Shwag: Street Fighter/Darkstalkers comic books, PSP demo discs, Wiimote keychain, and a God of War: Chains of Olympus shirt.

Biggest Disappointment: Overpriced energy drinks, missing out on a Parappa shirt, missing the Far Cry 2 demo in favor of playing Godzilla Unleashed, being ignored by Gamespot.

Hottest booth babes: Sony’s PSP babes with the new slim model strapped to their hips.

Worse than bringing your parents to a party: Nintendo nagging everyone to wear wrist straps.

Best games: Metroid Prime 3, Geometry Wars Galaxies, Castle Crashers, Rock Band, Eye of Judgement, Conan, Assassin’s Creed.

Worst Games: Dark Sector, Lair (in terms of gameplay).

Best Cosplay: Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth. The two chicks as Squall and Rinoa are a very close second.

– Dr. Swank

Have you ever read about a game and thought to yourself “who in their right mind thought this would be a great idea?!” While your average gamer may scoff at an atrocious game idea, it seems that game companies are making these dumb decisions every day. We’ve seen it in the past with games based off bad Sylvester Stallone movies like Driven, or games just plain based off lame comic book characters like Aqua Man. Still, the folks in their ivory towers and glass houses feel these ideas will actually gain some sort of profit. So with E3 2007 now in the books and most of the holiday releases already announced, let’s take a look at three games that are just plain stupid and ill conceived that are due out on the shelves of your local Game Stop and Wal-Mart for full price in the very near future.

Dirty Dancing (PC)

Brought to you by the villainy of Codemasters and Say Design

Release date: Holiday 2007

What they say: “As casual gaming continues to explode in popularity, it is becoming more necessary than ever to provide compelling, multi-faceted titles that people can relate to in order to break away from the clutter,” said Anne Parducci, EVP Marketing, Lionsgate. “Dirty Dancing delivers compelling subject matter that has all the tools to become an instant hit online. The movie appeals to audiences of all ages and continues to win over new fans through increased exposure from the highly successful DVDs and multiple airings on cable. For two decades, girls and women have identified with Baby, and through this wonderful game from Codemasters, they will have the opportunity to immerse themselves in her world like never before.”

What I say: While The Warriors was a pretty damn good game, curse Rockstar for showing that it’s hip to resurrect an old and busted movie franchise and bring it back in video game medium. From initial impressions, Dirty Dancing is an action/puzzle game where you’ll play as Baby as she works at the mountain resort and…um…dances dirty. While it’s not mentioned in the game’s initial fact sheet, there are bound to be rhythm game inspired dance sequences making up the puzzle portion of the game’s genre classification. For twenty years now, Dirty Dancing has taught masses of popcorn munching overweight women and pasty bookworms that they too can find love in the damndest of situations. This game would only give them peace of mind, that is, if these chicks played games at all. Instead, they’re all staying in on Friday nights reading Chronicles of Narnia or having slumber parties talking about all the boys they wish they could date. So what’s next? Might I suggest The Notebook: The game?

Napoleon Dynamite (DS, PSP)

Brought to you by the nefarious characters at Crave Entertainment

Release Date: TBD

What they say: “Crave’s upcoming release will feature favorite Napoleon Dynamite characters including Kip, Uncle Rico, Pedro, Tina the llama, and of course, Napoleon himself. “Napoleon Dynamite is one of the great cult classics of the past decade,” said Mark Burke, senior vice president of product planning and business development at Crave Entertainment. “It’s one of those films that has great memorable lines and characters, and we expect that fans of the movie will really like the game.”

What I say: In other words, Crave has no idea how to make a game off a movie that barely even qualified as a movie. What they couldn’t make with the movie’s barely cohesive plot, they made in a number of mini games based off of pivotal scenes in the movie such as the infamous ‘dancing like a dork’ scene, feeding a spitting llama, and completing circuits in master acts of hax0ry. On the plus side, you’ll at least get to play as Uncle Rico while he throws a football to himself. Still, if you find socially inept and stupid looking people looking blankly into a camera funny, chances are this game will most likely entertain you too.

Paris Hilton’s Diamond Quest (Mobile)

Brought to you by the zaniness that is Gameloft

Release Date: TBD

What they say: “Attempt to complete the 64 levels of Paris Hilton’s Diamond Quest. In each city, you’ll be guided by Paris, who will make regular appearances, and you’ll discover five game modes with different objectives. In Reveal Letters, eliminate the gems in order to find the letters in the word “Paris.” If, like Paris, you believe that Time is Money, launch into the mode of the same name and try to reach the minimum score in the given time. In Flip Mania mode, you’ll have to move very quickly to eliminate a jewel in each box of the grid. In the Puzzle mode, simply remove all of the jewels on the screen. It seems simple at first glance…except that there is only one single possible combination of moves, and you’ll have to figure it out! Finally in Gem Collector, try to clear a given number of gemstones of a certain type. Along the way on your excursion around the world, Paris will properly reward you. You’ll have access to lots of bonus levels each with a different gameplay, items from Paris’s wardrobe and some of her most beautiful modeling shots. Each photo will show you Paris in her most fashionable outfits, and you’ll even have access to a never-before-seen photo…one of her famous canine companion, Tinkerbell, who, as usual, won’t leave her side!

I never like hearing these stories. Back in December 2004 toddler Wade Kilner was killed when his parent’s house was engulfed in flames. In December 2006 the family filed a lawsuit against Wal-Mart (where the Kilner’s purchased the machine from) and Microsoft claiming that the cords of an overheated Xbox 360 started the fire that ultimately killed their son.

“The fire was a direct and proximate result of the overheating of the game’s power supply and wiring,” states the lawsuit, filed in state Circuit Court, Illinois. Last week Wal-Mart filed a procedural motion to move the case to the US District Court, also in Illinois. Now… here’s the kicker. While the lawsuit claims that an Xbox 360 started the fire, the 360 wasn’t actually released worldwide until November 2005 – so maybe the parents or a paralegal mistook an Xbox for a 360? You may remember hearing that in February 2005 Microsoft recalled 14 million Xbox power cords, citing “fire concerns.” The prosecution will be eating that up.

Microsoft commented on the lawsuit, in an email: “Microsoft recently learned about this tragic incident that occurred in December 2004. Our sympathy is with the family. However, we are not aware of any evidence that an Xbox caused the fire. Also, the complaint specifically states that an Xbox 360 was involved, but this version of the product was unavailable for purchase at that time.”

I can see how Microsoft may (possibly) be to blame, but suing Wal-Mart? They’re only distributing the item, they didn’t manufacture it. Unless every single Xbox stocked around the world was issued with instructions to warn consumers that they might overheat (which they weren’t), Wal-Mart aren’t to blame. How were they to know that it might cause any damage?

I’d also like to know whether it has been determined if the fire was started by the Xbox, and the parents simply aren’t blinded by grief.

What do you guys think? Do the Kilner’s have a case?

- Aaron Kleemann.

The rumour that claimed the Xbox 360 would get its own keyboard has reignited. Apparently, like the claimed Xbox 360 Dashboard update, GameSpot has published and since pulled an article which detailed how the keyboard would come in the form of a controller attachment which clips into the headphone jack of the Xbox 360 controller.

The keyboard’s primary purpose is to be used as part of the cross-platform instant messenging that will be available in the rumoured Spring Dashboard update. Below are some pictures of the claimed attachment that are currently circulating the Internet:

UPDATE: Major Nelson has confirmed that the above keyboard is in fact official.

Word across the net is that Microsoft is gearing up to release the Spring update to the Xbox 360 dashboard on May 7 2007. Along with reports that GameSpot had a piece on it before quickly pulling it from publication is a video that has surfaced on YouTube, which demonstrates the various new features that are to be included in the new dashboard update.

Among the features that the video claims to be included in the next update include:

• Friends list integration with Windows Messenger, including the ability for Messenger contacts to see which game you’re playing.
• Marketplace to receive its own blade.
• New low-power download mode, as well as an auto shutdown feature.
• Ability to watch partially downloaded movies.
• Various tweaks with the interface.

The “leaked” video on YouTube can be found here.

It’s only a matter of time before we get the next promised update, and May 7 is as good as time as ever for Microsoft to release it. We’ll likely get the video around that time, although it’s unsure as to whether the YouTube video is actually legit. The updated features seem plausible enough for us, so we’re willing to run with it for now.

UPDATE: Major Nelson has confirmed that the above details on the Xbox 360 Dashboard update are official. More details here.

Online retailers, they are really only good at:

A) “Accidentally” listing a game that is yet to be officially announced, beating publishers to the mark and causing PR managers to curse their latest top secret project being revealed by a button-happy online retailer.

B) Somehow coming up with their own games, listing games that are neither confirmed or even in development.

Whether it’s down to a dodgy marketing trick, causing thousands of confused gamers to flock to their pages to try and see if a yet-announced game is actually in existence, or simply due to uninformed mistakes made by the data entry team, online retailers sure do love to list some odd products.

The latest to do so is GameStop, who have listed Resident Evil 4 for the Wii, and is apparently scheduled to ship on June 25th of this year. Below you can find an apparent screengrab taken from the listing, which appeared on the Go Nintendo blog.

Can we expect Resident Evil 4 on the Wii? Given the success of the game on both the GameCube and PS2, it’s quite likely Capcom may want to try and milk the last drop of money from the game before it fades into the retro darkness. Then again, Capcom is already developing a “new” Resident Evil game designed specifically for the Wii, so we see little reason for Capcom bringing the game onto the Wii. Although, playing and aiming as Leon with the Wiimote would be pretty darn cool.

- Cain Dornan